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Samson and Delilah - yomilawals version

So it happened in the Christian bible. There was one of the judges (given by God in lieu of a king) to the isrealites. He was the acclaimed strongest man in the bible; you could call him Jagaban if he were in Nigeria today. He was so powerful he single handedly killed a lion for daring to roar at him and later returned to eat sweet honey out of the carcass. He also used the jawbone of a donkey (what an ass) as a weapon to single handedly kill over 1000 philistines in one day! sexy wedding dresses

And how did this angry killing spree by this apparently hot head start?

It was all over his wife and a goat ? .

Samson had gone to visit his wife and took along a goat (goat meat pepper soup didn't start today duh!). His father in-law (smh, some inlaws sha) had given out Samsons wife to Samsons bestman! But not without reason.

See, in Judah then, the Philistines held the political power and ruled Judah. One of the commandments for the Isrealites was that they should not intermarry with the Philistines.

Samson was out on a stroll and saw this beautiful girl who was a Philistine and came back home to inform his dad he wanted the girl as a wife. The dad reminded him he would be violating the jewish law but Samson would have none of it.

His parents were forced to accompany him to the girls house to ask for her hand in marriage. On the way to the girls house, a lion dared roared at Samson and he tore the lion to shreds with his bare hands and proceeded on his journey. By the time he was heading back to Judah his home, he saw honey had formed in the lion and he gladly scooped and ate it and took some for his parents without telling them the source.

So the day of the wedding came, Samson, dressed up as a fine groom, went with his entourage to his in-laws place. Feeling wise, he gave the philistines a riddle on a wager that if they solved it he would give them 30 garments and 30 changes of cloth but if they don't, they would give him same.

Unable to solve the riddle, they partied on. By the 3rd day they werent closer to solving his riddle.
So the smart philistines, enticed by the free 30 Gucci blazers decided to use the affection Samson had for his bride to get the answer. The new wife whose family had been threatened did her “new wife thing “ to get Samson to tell her the answer to the riddle but Samson held out until the 7th day of the marriage feast before capitulating when she kept sobbing. She promptly told her extended Philistine family.

It was not a ‘small something’ when the Philistines showed up proudly and told Samson the meaning of his riddle. Putting hotwater and garri together, he told them angrily they got the answer from his babe, with that anger, he went to another city of Isrealites arch enemies and ‘offed' 30 people, brought their garments to redeem his debt and rather finishing his marriage ceremony, left in hot anger for his fathers house.

The father in-law (or not) was forced to ‘dash’ the babe to his bestman ? .

Here was where the young goat and new wife story began.

Apparently after Samsons anger subsided, he remembered he was yet to consummate his marriage and went with this ewure alake, on getting there he asked to “go in” to his wife but his in-law was confused, “dude, I frankly thought you didnt want her so I gave her over to your bestman”; “what?!!” Samson shouted!
Samsons anger knew no bounds, we weren't told what happened to the goat but for someone who tore a lion to shreds, ordinary ‘nnnmeee' (in ijebu accent of course) from the goat would have sealed its fate.

Anyway, Samson simply went hunting and rounded up 300 foxes (don’t ask me how), paired them up by the tail, attached fire torches to them and set them upon the Philistines grain fields (arson basically). And thus in vengeance, Samson burned down their food supplies.

The Philistines were in turn livid! Samson however was nowhere to be found so they vented their anger on his father in-law and wife by burning them alive.

The death of his wife infuriated Samson so much he went into another fit, entered the midst of the mob and broke their femur and hips (probably karate kicks). After this royal rumble, he went to the cleft of a rock to be alone.

The Philistines couldn't believe it!, how could someone do this to them? So they called on proper warriors and headed to Judah to camp outside their walls in preparation for full scale invasion of Samsons city.
The people of Judah, oblivious of what Samson had done approached (diplomacy) the Philistines to know ‘whatsup' and were told how Samson burned their food and sent many to Igbobi and demanded his head.

The people of Judah, 3000 of them, who werent ready to fight over one crazy dude searched and found Samson in his hideout. “Dude, we are turning you over!”, the unperturbed Samson simply asked them to promise they were not going to kill him but hand him over to the Philistines. They agreed and bound him like Igbo people do used clothes from Bangkok.

As they brought him to the Philistines like Amazon special delivery, whilst the Philistines were calling to themselves to get ready weapons and tools to use on him; Samson simply broke free, took the jawbone of a poor dead ass and sent 1000 of them to the mortuary this time ? all the while reciting poetry.

Fast forward to 2015

Samson who will never learn still went ahead to frolic with and marry another Philistine called Delilah despite him having killed so many of her tribes men.
Just like they did his first wife, they sought the help of Delilah to find out the source of Samsons strength, twice he tricked her but he lied to her about it. The 3rd time he told her his strength was in his hair (after being plied with scotch single barrel whiskey). As Samson slept, Delilah took a Wahls clipper and gave him a Mayweather haircut, she rubbed some coconut oil on it to make it shiny.

She phoned the Philistines to come in, and shouted at Samson “your enemies are here!”, alas, unlike before when Samson would get up and deal with the ninjas, Samson had truly lost his power!

They took him captive and went with him to Philistine. They plucked out his eyes, chained him and used him as a mechanical power source for milling wheat.

One day, whilst they were partying, they brought Samson into Quilox as a side attraction and taunted him as he was chained between the two central pillars holding up the roof. Samson, blind but still angry whose hair had now sprouted a bit, prayed for his last strength and with one massive tug, pulled his chains and brought down the pillars killing himself and all the Philistines (including the DJ), only some drums of Barcadi survived!

That sadly, was how Samson through arrogance and refusal to learn from history (including his own) died in ignominy! How truly are the mighty fallen!
Samson thought his weakness was in his shaven head when really it was the tears of women.

Cc: Jagaban (as you pull a Samson, may APC rest in peace)